Rock bottom

Well, I've done it, I've hit my rock bottom and hard. My anxiety is so high and it feels like I've slammed my chest hard into a boulder.

Alcohol has always been present in my life, even as a young child I grew up with an alcoholic mother, no father around. I watched my mother drink every single day of her life. A year ago she died in large parts because of her relationship with Alcohol.

I've always wanted to NOT be like her, but here I am. Ruining my relationship with my kids, my husband and I was still choosing alcohol.

Until, last night, when my oldest child ran away because they are tired of me... Of my drinking. (My child was found safe). I sat in the hospital all night, in the waiting room, and they wouldn't let me see my child, I've slept maybe two hours, and I am not even mad at my kiddo, I am mad at myself. How did it get this far? And what do I do now? I have spent hours googling rehabs, recovery programs, what to watch out for during the withdrawals.

I feel so defeated. I deserve this, I did this. I am an alcoholic.