I told my wife not to come home

You'd think it would be the opposite right? After hitting bottom, going to meetings, being alone for three whole days, there's no doubt I crave that connection. I miss my kids. I miss her. But I'm tired of making them sad. I'm tired of making her depressed. We used to do so much; trips to state parks, movie dates, staying up late talking about whatever. I threw that all away, and now the thought of facing them scares me shitless.

She messaged me earlier telling me they all missed me. I miss me too. The real me. The one that was funny, able to joke and laugh, make a (playful) fool of myself. I haven't been that person in a long time. I don't think I ever will be that person again, but I think that's a good thing. I think that version of myself led me to the version of myself that I became, the one that got me into this mess.

Tomorrow, I may have to face them, but for tonight I told her to stay. She had said that one of the kids got sick in the middle of the night, and while I don't think she was lying, I think we are both thankful to have the excuse. She doesn't want to be the bad guy anymore. I get that. So, I told her to stay. I'll explain it to the kids the best I can. I'll tell them I'll see them tomorrow when I call them tonight before bed.

But maybe I won't. Maybe this is for the best right now. Maybe I should go pack, find a place to stay for a bit. I don't have anyone though. I can't go home. I can't ask my cousin. But I don't know if I can be here at the same time. Not yet anyways.

Day 3. I don't know what the future holds right now. I just needed to get this out into the ether I guess. Gonna take a nap. Maybe sleep the rest of the day. I'm not going to drink though.