how do i stop suicidal ideations

i am so depressed because of law school. i feel like i am not good enough every day. i fantasize about killing myself constantly..i wouldn’t actually do it but i hate having these thoughts. i have to continually remind myself of things i have coming up this year (my birthday, valentine’s day, cruise w my bf, internship, proposal) that i don’t want to miss.

i thought about calling my therapist to start talking with her again, but i dont think i can even be honest about these thoughts to someone plus i dont want to be hospitalized because that would just make my school anxiety worse.

i considered going back on depression meds but i hate living in an SSRI haze. plus don’t want my sex drive to go away.

i know i’ll be ok eventually but getting through this current phase seems insurmountable. i won’t actually do anything - i don’t want to make people sad and tbh it would be embarrassing to be the law student who killed herself in her first year. i do like the thought of seeing how people would react. i think that’s an attention seeking issue though. i just don’t know how to escape these incessant thoughts.