18F4A; lonely goony loser with a limited social circle looking for frens

As implied in the title; I am extremely lonely and have no real life frens (as in, the loyal creatures that actively include you in their groups and loiter about with).

The dilemma goes like this; I am a psychology and typology nerd that tends to psychoanalyse everyone and obsessively take interest in themーhowever, I am faced with the shattering realisation that I am not perceived in the same light and am not bestrided with their holy attention: an inconsequential fly in the background.

Moreover, I seem to be a high lilibo smut and porn addict as I devour hundreds of degenerate josei and shojo manhwas and niche mangas (not mainstreamー85% consists of male yanderes). I actively seek relief and cope with fantasising about being impregnated with the attention and affection that I so desperately seek as a maladaptive means to glue the broken pieces of a deeply entrenched traumatised soul together. After bathing in the afterblisk of an orgasm, I tend to feel like a depleted balloon, stripped of its youthful elasticity.

But I digress. I need to merge and sink my teeth into your soul; devour you wholly and inject you with my disgusting, lethal venom.

I need an intimate, close friend that I can yap my heart out and plaster my ugly, detestable and unsightly soul to. I am still in high school but I should have fucking graduated last yearーit was all because I skipped 4 years of school by metamorphosing into a reclusive hikikomori neet as a by-product of trauma (was heavily ostracised and bullied; used as a boxing bag for insecure goony schoolmates and teachers).

I died multiple times emotionally and mentally and sought external means to cope (self-harm) and entertained suicidal ideation as my most faithful mistress that I wooed. I have an insecure-attachment style (disorganised) due to my tyrannous father that abused the shit out of my nervous system by cosplaying as a pedantic, volatile, unpredictable and two-faced despot.

Ayayayayaya. I know people here are also marred in a wayーI mean what secure person would yearn for a broken person as a means to fulfil a inconspicuous void within them. To that I offer my dearest condolences. BUT. BUTT.

Unfortunately, I am quite socially inept online as proven from my string of failed connections.

Add me on discord (on my profile) if this bizarre and cringe description of a botched ex-fetus-should-have-not-been-conceived-creation tugs at your heartstringsーah! She is a perfect tool to console my lonely wounds! My interests mostly revolve around escaping reality and the confines of my deformed flesh by suffusing myself with the succulent fumes of classic literature and books.

I also used to be writer but I evidently have long-term depression from the repeated weakening of the neural pathways involved in creative writing. I oscillate between feeling like a princess and an orge; inferior and superior.