my mom keeps throwing past trauma in my face to justify the lack of boundaries in our relationship.

TW: mentions of Śä and gun violence/death

I (22F) and my mother (49F) usually have a great relationship, but she is the classic hispanic mother who is overbearing at times and doesn't understand boundaries. neither does most of my family, especially my father. my mother would do little things i ask her not to do, like post pictures of me i don't like, or make comments when I try to correct her. always telling me I shouldn't be so authentic or open, when i came out as bi, she was adamant i'd marry a man regardless. things like that. but now it's getting to a point that is just unfair.

I met this boy, jamie (21M), online and we started as friends, we were friends for several months until recently, when we decided to take things slow and be together. he's been amazing and sadly, the longest time i've ever been with someone; though we were friends, we both knew where it was headed. he's planning on flying down to see me towards the end of september, which was always the plan. we were planning on going to the beach and a theme park, but now that we want to be together, we have that and a date planned. I'm so excited to see him in person.
this wouldn't be the first time I met someone in person when I knew them online beforehand, my best friend of two years and I met up in person just last year. this is also not my first long distance/online relationship. I had two prior ones.

the plan was, after he comes here, does all the chivalrous shit he wants to do, etc, the next time we'd meet is in his state so we could show me around, I could meet his roommates and even his little sister, but not his entire family yet. we plan on doing this in december, before christmas but after my finals are done.

my mother, however, wants to tag along for that trip. I brought it up with Jamie and we both agree that at that point, we'd be dating for three months, and it's too soon to meet family. his family lives in a major city in that state and he lives two hours away, and he's just picking me up from that airport because it's cheaper to fly there then to the smaller airport in his city. I also feel like I'm old enough to travel alone where ever i like in the US, by december, I'll nearly be 23 (my birthday is in february).

i brought this up to my mom and she instantly went into mom mode, which I understand, I'm the first born and a woman, but then she started throwing out crazy assumptions that jamie is a human trafficker, that he could kill me, or something would happen if she wasn't there. granted, she doesn't want to spend every minute with me on that trip, and i understand why she feels the way that she feels, she's from a dangerous country in south america and we had a family member who went missing and was killed. she's just looking out for me. she said she isn't going to stop me, but she would feel uncomfortable, which is also code for she will not leave me alone if I decide to go alone. she did the same for my brother, who went to north carolina to meet his boyfriend, but that was understandable because my brother was a minor at the time.

she then brought up wanting to open a chain restaurant in our town but my father being against it and how she wants to take risks, i let out this little "mhm" nothing too bratty or accusatory, but she knew I meant "then follow through and let me travel to see jamie." but then, she said "you know better that women (like you) should not take risks, you know very well."

at first I was taken aback because I thought she was referring to someone we knew, but really, she was talking about me, and how in my childhood, and then again last year, i was sexually assaulted.

and it pisses me off, because yes, in the event where I was an adult, i did took a risk by meeting with a man, but that man lived in the neighborhood next to mine, i was under the influence, and he took advantage of me. and she just throws it back in my face like it was a learning lesson when really, it was a crime. at the time, when I was in the hospital getting the forensic exam, she even blamed me for what had happened.

and the thing is, i usually don't get upset over it. I know it wasn't some learning lesson and that it wasnt my fault. the reason I took it bad this time was because just recently, I was assaulted again by a classmate. of course, she doesn't know. I don't plan on telling her. i've been doing a pretty good job of unpacking it in therapy. but for her to throw the past in my face like that regardless if it happened again or not is just wrong, not to mention that she is saying jamie would do that to me; when he's one of the very few people who's aware of what happened and has been nothing but kind to me. I know women who enter relationships with men are in someway, taking the risk of getting harmed; emotionally, physically, and etc. the same can be said for men. I know she hasn't met him yet but to assume something that awful of someone who's been the nicest surprise I've had this year makes me upset.

i'm a school shooting survivor, a csa/adult survivor, an overdose survivor, i've been sober for 8 months from everything yet almost one year (on september 2nd) from alcohol. i've been betrayed and robbed and nearly killed. my own best friend of 12 years threatened to kill me. though i'm young, I've experienced a lot of grief, loss, and anxiety. I don't want to keep being scared and seeing the negative in everything; it has made me hyper-independent to a fault. I could really see myself going the distance with Jamie, and him putting in the effort to see me shows that he feels the same. I know life hasn't always been kind to me but it can't always be like this, right?

I understand how my mother feels, i know immigrating here was tough and losing that family member the way she did, the way WE did, was an awful experience we all still carry with us, since it's unsolved, and did not happen in the US. I wish she could open her heart up to the possibility of me finding some kind of happiness that isn't rooted in the self-growth/career aspect. i want to love someone that isn't some extension of me and grow with them, depend on something for a change. I want a partner, and I know I can't do it pleasing my mother and what she deems as conventional or 'right'. because I did this the "right" way this time, I was friends with him. now she has found something new to make me worry over.

my plan is to either go alone in december, or maybe have jamie visit my state one more time, and then go to see him for his birthday in march. either way, i'm going there alone. I just wish my mother was as open and trusting as me, even if my authentic self: being open, honest, and trusting, is seen as being weak.

maybe we should stop watching dexter together.