I was almost raped yesterday.

I can't really wrap my head around it. For some reason, as an adult, I didn't think I'd have to face sexual assault if only because my judgement is sharper.

Well, turns out it's not, LOL. He was acting like such a gentleman and how it'd be rude to pressure me for a cup of coffee at his place even though me and him just met. I even met his roommate.

Anyway, I won't go into a lot of detail but he tried to force himself on me and when I refused it got more physically pushy.

I played two cards, both depending on his decency as a human being and the ability to empathize; neither worked.

So I turned the table. And started making it a kinky thing where I'm in control, and I kept saying things that hinted I was going to come back and do this again.

"Consent is sexy" was basically what I was going for. Where nothing would happen without my "approval". I gave up my neck, my tits, and my thighs.

Vagina and ass were off the table, and that's because "He didn't give me a heads up, so it's punishment for 'this time' that my panties stay on." I really really played the part well, and was stern, and all that shit.

In my head, I was just thinking "Don't get an STI, don't get an STI, DON'T FUCKING GET AN STI"

It was a very delicate situation where I was basically saying no, denying him access, and giving him the minimum in the sexiest way possible, all for the sake of making sure I don't hurt his ego while trying to stay as safe as I could under the circumstances.

I genuinely how no fucking idea how I whipped up a new personality in seconds. I thought of running away multiple times, but I kept my head focused and said it's better to deal with it this way "just in case". Just in case what? I didn't know.

Eventually, it was over. And I playfully suggested we play a video game where I can kick his ass. I don't even know how he bought it given that I was basically rejecting him the entire night.

I texted a friend to call me in 20 mins and make it seem urgent that I have to go home. I thought giving it some time will make it happened more naturally.

She did. And I acted in a hurry to find out wtf happened at home since no one would tell me. And I was packing my things.

He started acting concerned and asking me what's wrong, and I kept saying idk, sis is freaking out and won't tell me why! Etc etc

I'm so fucking glad I didn't try to run. He had two consecutive doors locked with a key he had in his pocket.

My heart was fucking racing. I didn't want him to know how fucking creepy and disgusting and downright dangerous he felt to me.

Anyway, I left, called my friends. Cried my heart out. And now I'm like wtf happened. Did I really just "dominate" my predator? Did I really manage to get out of my rapist's home without a scratch. He didn't leave as much as a hickey. I was very good at acting like boundaries are sexy.

I'm just really sad about one thing. What if this experience ruins sex for me forever? I really did not need this experience in my life. Or maybe I did, I'm too trusting of strangers.

It's literally the first thing they teach you as a kid. Don't go with strangers. I failed the one teaching that made sense.

ETA: Thank you all so much, I've literally read every single letter and I'm incredibly thankful to have those words said to me. I feel much better now, and I want to thank all of you for helping me with that.