I want to leave this place.

For the longest time i’ve always felt that whatever i open up to my mother about, she has to make it about her. it’s less of her changing the subject and more of her saying something to shift the pity on herself. Well one instance i was telling her about how deeply my parents fighting my whole life affected me (i was 12) and she told me that it has to be that way because he cheated on her and fucked her up mentally. it doesn’t sound wrong at the time but i’ve come to realize my dad was not the issue in the relationship, even though he cheated. i dissociated like crazy last night and pretty much blacked out righting all of the emotional abuse she has put me and my siblings through that i didn’t even realize. Recently i finally had the opportunity to open up to her about my addiction issues. she had gotten mad that i was smoking weed and i tried to explain to her that it is really the one thing keeping me from going insane. before i could explain she told me to get out and that she wasn’t going to listen to me manipulate her to try and make her feel bad. ofc i had a bad episode after this and cried in the bathroom for an hour laying on the floor. until i texted her bc that’s the only way im not afraid of speaking to her. she made me come to her room and explain myself. i was finally able to tell her how well i was doing in recovery. i was finally able to tell her how far i have come with almost nobody on my side or even knowing about my drug issues. i wasn’t even smoking constantly like i used to, just on occasion. when i told her about this she said her usual “you need to talk to miss clayson about this” and i tried to continue telling her how much i wanted to tell her this. that was until she said “you know my mom doesn’t like me right”. i was confused so i said “what” i didn’t even just think it this time. i was genuinely confused on how she was making this about her at this very moment. she said “my mother hates me and our fight got so bad a couple years ago that i took a handful of ur vyvanse to try and kill myself.” i wasn’t even able to tell her about me almost overdosing before TWICE before she shifted the whole thing onto her. she had a slightly angry undertone telling me and it just made me telling her make shit feel worse. she was the only person i wanted to tell about this horrible situation i was in at a young age, that i got out of all by myself. and she made it so i was the one feeling bad. i already was very hesitant on telling her due to her unpredictable moods but she literally did not seem to care. she only cooled down when she realized her saying that was making me dig my nails into my skin and shake. we haven’t spoken about it since. i don’t know if my feelings in these situations are valid or if anyone can relate but please lmk. i am trying to find ways to get me and my son out of this house and aside from money, housing, and education i need proof that she’s emotionally not available for taking care of anyone but herself.

(ps this is really only a peek inside of what it’s like having her as a mother but i just felt so alone and didn’t know how to react other than to blame myself)