Desire

When it comes to friendship and wanting to be around people, I (m26) hold desire and wanting to interact with others in high esteem, unfortunately my desire is very low and not constant when it comes to being around others. I’ve had very few people in my life I can say I’ve wanted to talk to everyday and that desire wasn’t necessarily shared, now I’m becoming like them with people in my life who want to talk everyday, ignoring text, taking hours to respond, never reaching out first (or at least rarely). I find it’s so hard to want to talk to anyone in my life atm, it’s not that I don’t enjoy spending time or talking to them, it’s that I have no desire to do so to begin with. I think this isn’t a terrible problem cause when we start talking we’ll talk for hours or text a lot, but with me if you don’t have me in a call I’m gonna take a minute to reply back unless you get me invested in the conversation. I just want to WANT to talk to someone…I miss it honestly. I think the best thing I can do now is to find a way to get invested in my peoples lives, and other peoples, find what’s interesting, dig, discover. One of my cousins who I talk to everyday it’s always mindless chatter (which I don’t mind) or drama about her friends (which is…sometimes interesting) but idk I wanna talk about more. With my other friends who I always talked to I was able to freely express myself, my crude humor, go on political debates, learn something new, I was never big in to gossip it was just something I did to survive a convo I didn’t care too much for, like let’s discuss and psychoanalyze ur friends behavior, get to the root of their issues, help them and maybe help ourselves in the process instead. I need to learn to model myself into the friend i wish I had right now: intelligent, honest, curious, courageous, humble, non judgmental, open, loose, free, and fun. I need to put my values to the test. Anyways just a rant, but:

Tl;dr: Do any of you have the same problem where it’s hard to actually want to talk to anyone in your life rn? Like you’d love to really TALK to someone, but there’s no one you can really do that with atm.