my ed is rooted in dysphoria

(TW ⚠️ TW this may be a little transphobic or just icky so pls leave if u don't wanna see this stuff. May be a bit controversial) I dont rly know the correct tag for this, I'm not really venting or anything I'm just talking. I'm not really the one to vent on the internet (anymore) lol. But I digress, im here to talk about my ed. I am a ftm in denial. Im not transphobic and I doubt this is internalized transphobia, I just can't be trans. I can't accept myself like this. I am jealous of trans women because they have a want for femininity I will never have. But I need to be feminine because I don't want to want to be a boy. My ed is mostly because of weight but subconsciously is just about my feminine features. When getting skinny I lose fat in my chest so they appear flatter. When I look at my body in the mirror I only check how my chest looks. I want to be skinny in men's clothing. Like jeans and hoodies ( not really BOYS clothes, girls can wear them too but you know what I mean) when talking to my friends they talk about girly things and how much they love being a girl. I always see how other people want to be curvy but if I was curvy I would be embarrassed of my body and would never leave my house. If this gets taken down I won't complain. I just wanted to talk.