My Sis and Father Are gonna make me crashout 😭🤚🏾

So for context these messages happened days apart but my hearts been hurting. So I (26f) got disfellowshipped last year May 21 to be exact 💀. And it’s my first time in 26 years not having my family. I was kicked out over a guy but I’d been pimo for some time leading up to it I didn’t do things with him purposely so I wouldn’t get DFed but alas I got DFed. It’s been a journey of self discovery and realizing how much of my life I haven’t been living for me and how little I know myself outside of this perfect pioneer need greater persona I was always supposed to be. When I tell you everyone GASPED pearls clutched eyes wide when the announcement was made.

I’ve also come to the rude awakening of how traumatized I really am from the religion. The guilt I felt daily the fear I felt about getting murked cause I was no longer jw was a cloud over me and impacted me long after I finally stopped going to meetings. At first I just went cause I planned to go back then fade so I could still have my family and if it was the truth (which I’m now convinced more than ever it’s DEFINITELY a CULT) I’d still technically not die at Armageddon 💀. But I was crying every time and not agreeing with the teachings just hoping for a glimpse of my family a crumb of contact. One day I was getting ready and I just looked in the mirror tears in my eyes and said to myself I don’t have to go anymore. And I felt guilty but I stayed home and from that point on I decided to stop forcing myself to be around people who only loved me if it was in their terms.

My parents started reaching out and inviting me but little by little the communication fizzled out until it was nothing at all. I’d see them around town and they’d smile and wave but that was it like I was infected and it was contagious. It wasn’t until my nephew was born that I saw them in person (my brother I was able to reconnect with as he is DFed too). My father gave me a warm hug and congratulated me on being an auntie and we spoke excitedly caught up while my mother stood off to the side awkwardly not even wanting to shake my hand I asked her how she was doing trying to include her and she said she’s been ok and she missed me. I said I missed her too and she said she always hoped to see me at the Kingdom Hall and invited me again and then said they should be leaving as it was late (and it was). I looked to her for any sign of a hug or handshake but she just nodded and gave my dad a look. My dad then looked conflicted he’d hugged both my brother and I before she’d come into the hallway but now that she was there staring him down he seemed nervous. I moved towards my dad for a hug but he looked to my mom who visibly shook her head. He gave a tight smile and waved saying bye and he loved us before walking away. That was the last time I saw my dad for months now.

I’m working from home and I get a knock on my door I’m scared cause I’m not expecting anybody and I just had to file a harassment charge on a guy who was stalking me. I check my camera my guy friend got me heart beating fast and my breath catches “dad?”. I put on my coat and open the door to see my dad his beard has grown and there’s more gray in it and his face breaks into a smile when he sees me. “Hi (nickname) how are you” we talk for a bit and he then remembers why he came. He hands me some mail that was dropped off at the house (usually he would just leave it on my door knob and text me a picture of it). And he then says he wanted to invite me to his talk next Sunday and excitedly speaks about it and my heart sinks. I inform him I’d love to(only to see him but I didn’t say that) but I have to work on weekends and he then notices my headset and comments on it realizing I was working. He looks visibly disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to make it I tell him I’ll try to get off work (a lie) and he perks up a bit. He looks at me like he wants to say / do something but he can’t. And when I’m about to comment on it he says he has to go and he has people waiting for him in the car. (It was Saturday afternoon almost evening so I can only think possibly evening witnessing) I wave to the car (I’m blind so idk if anyone waved back lol). And he legit gives the same tight smile he did at the hospital the last time I saw him then waved and said goodbye and he loved me. I told him I loved him too and he was on his way. The ache in my heart that had been dormant was now slowly coming back. I called my brother to vent and he listened and said he was sorry and hopefully he’d wake up as much as I wish he would I know it’s not gonna happen.

Days before this happened Thursday to be exact while I’m on a call my sister (who I love more than words can express) calls me. I can’t pick up the phone much as I wanted to just clear my desk and answer the phone. I sent her a text that I’d call her back then immediately after the call took my break. I’m thinking the worst (we both struggle with depression among other mental illnesses). We would always call each other if we were in a bad place we’d drop whatever and go to the other that’s my dawg or at least she was before all this. So I’m thinking she might be about to try to hurt herself as she has in the past and I’m panicking she’s not answering. I check her location I don’t recognize it now I’m thinking she’s been kidnapped. ( I know the drama but I love her I wasn’t expecting her to let me keep her location but she did and she still has mine too she doesn’t let my brother though) I leave her a message and shoot her another text. At this point I’m pacing my tiny apartment debating if I should take my anxiety medication cause my heart is pounding. I’m contacting my brother inquiring about where she’s at if he recognizes the location (he lives closer to her than me I’m an hour and a half away now he’s worried also thinking something wrong as to why she’s reaching out). Then she replies with oh my bad just a butt dial 💀. No I love you none of that icy wit it. And I’m like damn no I love you or nun? And it hurt 😔. My sis was a big part of my life and I love her so much. I hate how frantic excited and anxious I get for these crumbs of contact from my family.

Family should love you no matter what 🥺. I hate that JWs make love conditional. I want to just stop by my parents house on a Sunday morning for breakfast. I want to drop by my grandparents house to just watch equalizer and maybe make some pies (my nana loves baking pies) 🥧 or banana pudding. I want to get cute and go out with my sister to our favorite mall and shop till we drop take cute pictures and end it with ramen and lycheetinis. I miss my squad my besties girls nights were always so much fun we’d go on road trips for the weekend, emergency girls meetings to spill the tea 🫖 and just surprise each-other out of the blue because we’d always say we’d be better bfs to each-other than any of our future husbands could be. (and so far with the men I’ve been seeing since leaving jw it’s the truth lol). I miss the people it’s so extreme to think just because someone is choosing not to live their life the way you do that they must be cut off 🥺. It’s so unnecessary and evil Jehovah is a loving god and loves family. Why would you break up families? And I hate how the blame is placed on the “unbeliever” like no bitch I still want a relationship with you YOU ARE SHUNNING ME. It’s also wild that my best friend who I was frankly scared to tell HAS BEEN MY ROCK! 🗣️ Granted she does still want me to come back but she’s like there’s nothing you could say or do to make me cut you off I love you too much I can’t do it I don’t give a damn🥹. I felt bad telling her things like guys I was seeing but she’s like DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU DONT HOLD ANYTHING FROM ME! So I haven’t and it’s definitely strengthened our friendship. (The only thing I do hold from her is how I feel it’s a cult cause I feel like she’d see me as an apostate but she’s knows I don’t go to meetings anymore and don’t plan on it). Crazy that my best friend can choose to love me and stay by my side when my OWN FAMILY chooses to leave me in the cold. But one of my former close friends I made on here… Hell she might be reading this we met from this Reddit lol(hey love I hope your doing good🤗❤️). (We’re not talking anymore though I think she’s decided to go back to jw sadly) But she’d always say that you get to choose your family now. And I’ve been crafting a group of people who will always be there for me and I’m always there for them too🥹. So that’s been a plus because JWs paint “worldly”people as lawless scary people that you can’t trust and you should avoid like the plague unless you think you can convert them. But newsflash regular people are sweet af and will hold you when you cry about how your family and friends are cool with never speaking to you again. Talk some sense into you and put you on game when you’re being naive (OMFG IM SO NAIVE AND TRUSTING ITS SICKENING but I’m working on it). If you find the right people out here they’re so kind and loving 🥰. And can’t wait to help you experience things like celebrating your first birthday or Christmas. Ahh I’m so sorry I’m rambling at this point.

Thank you for reading my rant if you did lol. I just wanted to get that off my chest this has definitely been a journey. And it’s only the beginning which is diabolical 😵‍💫🙂‍↔️. Do y’all have similar experiences?