It feels like I am dreaming

It keeps getting slightly better but then I randomly crash again. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I have suicidal OCD (convinced I’ll kill myself or want to die) and it feels so real that I will or want to. I can’t tell what I actually want anymore. I feel like I am trapped in my body. I feel like my body and mind are completely separated and it’s scaring me so bad, and I keep having intrusive thoughts about too. The thing is I feel absolutely delusional about them, though. I can’t tell if I believe it or not. Are my mind and body separated? I feel like I’m not gonna make it out of this alive. I have no feelings and am not anxious whatsoever. I keep trying to imagine myself hurting myself to see if it makes me anxious and NOTHING. Help.