22 week loss -rant

It’s only been 3 days since we lost our sweet Amani Sol. No heartbeat found at 22 weeks. She passed a day or two before our regular appointment so it feels like she waited for us to see her for as long as she could handle. My heart aches for her and for my husband and I. She was supposed to be our rainbow baby after 2 losses at 6 weeks and a chemical pregnancy all within 2 years.

I’m fighting my guilt constantly because it getting to the point where it feels like all of this is because of me. Feels like she felt my reluctance to open my heart to her until we were in the “safe zone” I hope she knows that I love her so much more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life.

She’s getting cremated tomorrow and I have to constantly stop myself from running to the funeral home to stop them just so I can take her home with me. She shouldn’t have to go through that first than her mommy.

I’m carrying around her blanket that they gave her when I gave birth to her. Talk to it like it’s her despite knowing how crazy I look. It makes me feel closer to her but also miss her that much more. Dropped her blanket into my plate and broke down because I got her dirty. My husband told me that babies are supposed to get dirty which calmed me down a little though the guilt is still there.

I don’t know what the point of this post is but it feels like I’m going to implode if I don’t get some of it out.