1 month since stillbirth

Today is 1 month since I gave birth to my stillborn daughter at 34 weeks. She was meant to be our rainbow after a missed miscarriage 2 years ago at 10 weeks (gestational sac, no heartbeat). A daughter so wanted and so loved already.

On the 31st of March, I went in for NST because I did not recall feeling her move all day. She had been very active the day before and I had a few things going on that day so I thought maybe I was distracted. But in the afternoon, I had this sinking feeling. I knew something was wrong. When we got to the hospital, the midwife kept moving the monitor and was struggling to find the heartbeat. From that point I just knew. I had gone in for a NST on the 26th after a busy day at work and the monitor instantly detected the heartbeat that time. She moved us to one of the Birthing suites and called the OB. My partner was being so positive and said everything should be okay but I was just silent because I just knew. The OB performed a bedside Ultrasound and confirmed the horrifying news I did not want to hear that there was no heartbeat. I will never be able to forget the look on my partners face. He was completely shattered. I completely dissociated. I went numb. I could barely comprehend what the OB and midwife were saying. I had to come in the next day to have another Ultrasound to confirm that my placenta had moved out of the way so that I could give birth vaginally (was diagnosed with placenta previa at my 20 week scan) and luckily it had moved so I could be induced on the 4th. That day was the hardest for us, we had to call our family and friends to inform them of the news. It completely broke me hearing everyone's shock and sobbing. Everyone was so heartbroken. Having to carry her in my belly for the next few days was the most mindfucking thing. I was so afraid of giving to birth her, I just didn't think I could do it but on the Thursday I completely dissociated again. I just had to get it done. I went in at 8am and gave birth to my sleeping daughter at 11.58pm. I was so afraid of what she would look like so I asked my partner to make the decision for me on whether to see her and so after the birth he asked the midwives to take her away to clean her up and that night I just slept. I worked up the courage to see her the next day with encouragement from my OB and the midwives. They believed that it would help me grieve. When they brought her in, she had a beanie on and little dress that was donated to the hospital. She was perfect. Our little girl was so beautiful. She looked so peaceful. She looked just like my partner. That's when I was finally able to cry. I'm glad I got to hold her and spend some time with her.

Her funeral was 2 weeks later on the 17th. It is so cruel that we had to plan a funeral for a baby. It's just so unfair. I read a letter that I wrote to her and I don't know how I did it but I got through it. We both cried throughout the whole service. It was so heartbreaking. We both agree that it was the saddest day of our entire lives.

I'm meant to be 38 weeks pregnant today, on maternity leave, nesting and waiting for her arrival, instead I'm on leave and grieving her absence.

I feel so empty. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like my heart has been completely ripped out. Everyone's lives have moved on but I'm just stuck here in limbo. Her funeral was 2 weeks ago and it's been silent ever since, no one checks in anymore and even when they do I still feel so alone. No one truly understands this sadness and heartbreak. My partner has been my rock, and I truly think without his support, I would have ended my life already. We promised each other that we would get through this together and I'm so thankful for him. However I feel a lot of shame. I feel like I have failed him and that he wouldn't be experiencing this heartbreak if it wasn't for me. I feel like I've disappointed everyone around me...

Mother's day is coming up and it makes me sick thinking about it. It is so cruel and unfair. I just want my daughter back.

Her name is Harper Rose. I miss her so much.