Hopeless.

So, I need someplace to kind of vent and to people who might understand what I’m going through…

Just a quick background, I’m an addict. 7months clean from the use of methamphetamine and adderall. (I know, your eyes are probably popping out of your head wondering why I’m on this forum and not another one) well, if you have any knowledge of what those drugs do, they completely cut your appetite. My entire life my biggest battle has been with myself and how I look. —well, all that stopped when I started using. I fell in love with myself. I’m 5’8 and because of how I hold my weight at 190 which was my lightest in my adult life even at 200 I looked amazing! (That is my goal weight) it was amazing, until it wasn’t, and it was ruining my life instead.

Now here I am 7months out of treatment and obviously my biggest fear of stopping is a reality. I weigh 260 pounds And I can’t look at myself. I can’t appreciate being happy about being sober most days because I can’t get out of my head about how I feel. I can’t get to the gym because I’m uncomfortable in everything I wear. I go to my doctor post treatment and he finally agreed to put me on Zep. In the beginning, I felt the difference in my appetite, I dropped 10lbs in the first month. He upped my dose to 5mgs and I haven’t moved since. I haven’t felt the suppressive aspect of the medication and I hit an all time low yesterday when my mom came to visit after not seeing her for months and the first thing she did was comment about my weight and tell my boyfriend behind my back to tell me to change what I was wearing.

That honestly made me wish I was dead.

I know it sounds so vein, but my entire life has been spent worrying about how I look. It tortures my mind every day. I see pictures of me now and I can’t even look at them it makes me so shameful And all I want is for this shot to work so that I have something to be optimistic about. I’ve been on it for 4 months now, and I don’t know if I’m expecting too much in too little of time or if it’s just not working for me.

Maybe I should look into surgery. Maybe I should try phentermine. My boyfriend’s mom takes that and she looks great.

I go to see my doctor on the 5th for a follow up. I have been on this dose for 3 months now with no movement. So maybe he will bump me up to ten mgs. Has anyone else seen limited results or struggled as much as I am?

Please feel free to share. 🙏🏼❤️