im done

since my mom died ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts for 3 years now. my dad is absent most of the time and when he isnt he yells at me. I'm only 15 and ive fucked up all of my chances for a better life by denying scholarships (probably out of pity) to be with my friends, who are now going to private schools anyway, and it's too late for me to get into one. I logically can't see how living is the better option, when every day is just excruciating pain and it just gets worse and worse.