Who ever reads this thank you

I can have the happiest day ever with my friends, Family and have a good time but I'm not happy with myself. I will feel bad if I die now because I will be leaving my famaily and friends to deal with the pain of losing me, I'm a selfish person. I'm not happy with myself I dislike myself strongly. At night I just wish I can go to sleep and never wake up again you know I could take some pills and never wake up. I don't see a future for me even though already set one out for me. I burden my friends with how I feel when they already dealing with a lot on there plate. I struggle everyday contemplating when is a good time to die. Im afraid of dieing but I still want to do it. I'm really trying to get better to be better but how long can I keep this up? I'm going to try and hang in there thank you for reading and I hope you don't ever have to experience this.