Longtime lurker, first post. It’s time to finally stop.

I (24f) have been lurking in this subreddit for months now, reading others’ experiences and I guess trying to work up the courage to finally quit. I’ve been prescribed some form of Adderall for ADHD for the past 4-5 years, and I’ve taken the meds on and off. For the last two years though, I’ve been abusing my script consistently. I’d usually take 2-3x the prescribed amount daily, sometimes up to about 80mg of adderall. Then I’d run out long before it was time to refill, and I’d start borrowing/buying from friends and relatives. I appear very functional/successful from the outside (I have my dream job, own apartment/car, have a wonderful boyfriend and good relationships with family and friends), so I don’t think any of the people giving me extra pills ever even suspected I was abusing them. I’d just say things like “oh my gosh my psychiatrist wouldn’t answer…I’m supposed to refill but I probably won’t have time to till the end of the week…do you have a couple I could buy to get me there?” This is scary to admit, but I’ve even stolen pills from my sister, best friend, and aunt. I feel horribly disgusting and guilty about that. That’s not the person I ever intended to become and it breaks my heart that I did. I have a decent amount of childhood trauma and a whole lotta perfectionism/anxiety about being perfect. Adderall makes the anxiety way way worse, yet I lie to myself and say I need adderall to be able to get through the day and be motivated and perfect. It’s just a crutch. A way I can feel instantly euphoric and “ok” without actually dealing with anything bothering me. It lets me check out of my mind and body and perform—but it’s in control, not I.

I quit smoking/consuming weed a few days ago (which I was using to deal with the comedown and fall asleep after abusing adderall), and I realized that because of how much I’ve abused adderall, I can’t just take my normal script because it’ll lead me to want to take more daily as well as to smoke weed. If I’m quitting one I have to quit the other. I’m ready. I’m ready for natural happiness. I’m ready for a healthy appetite again. I’m ready for effortless sleep again. I’m ready for a slower, steadier heartbeat and deep breaths. I’m ready to feel life in all its beauty and pain and awfulness and rawness and joy. Sorry for this super long post. This will be my first day in a couple months without at least 30mg of adderall, and I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I guess I just wanna confess…and maybe get some support :):) Thank you to everyone who has posted here and motivated me to do this. I don’t know who you are but you’ve helped me so much.