Vi’s Journey: She Doesn’t Love Herself
In order to really understand Vi’s ending in season 2, we have to respect that Vi doesn’t love or value herself. It’s a core issue she has to confront before she can truly move on and accept love in her life.
Season 1:
Vi loves and values others, specifically her chosen ones—family, friends, and Caitlyn, who gets to be in her own category—but she doesn’t find value in herself except as protector and fixer-of-things.
Vi also doesn’t know herself. She doesn’t know who she is or what she wants aside from what her life had dictated: Protecting Powder and keeping her family safe. When she does do something for herself (takes Ekko’s tip to rob Jayce’s penthouse and brings her crew along for the adventure) it ends badly. Vi takes on the pressure of fixing everything for her family from that point on, guilt-ridden that she’s caused this terrible thing to occur (in her mind she thinks she did it). She even asks, “You guys know I wouldn’t take you on a job you couldn’t handle, right?” She thinks everything comes down to her instead of understanding that she couldn’t have possibly prepared for what happened and that none of it was her fault. But no one ever told her she didn’t have to bear everyone’s burdens for them.
She’s never had the space to be who she wants to be, or even ask herself what she actually wants. In episode 1 of season 1 she’s told twice: “this is on you”; “it’s on you”, both in terms of Powder specifically and then the family unit as a whole.
In the later half of season 1, her lack of love for herself is less immediate after the time skip given she’s fresh out of prison and now has to buddy up with an Enforcer while trying to find Powder. Vi has a lot of immediate needs in that regard and she doesn’t have time to focus on the path ahead of her beyond finding her sister.
Caitlyn: The Knight in Shining Armour
Caitlyn changes things significantly by treating Vi as an equal AND as someone worthy of tender touch, gentleness, kindness, and support.
Let me be clear: Caitlyn is the first person other than Vander to protect Vi. Caitlyn even exchanges her only method of protection to ensure Vi survives.
Vi is a bit confused by Caitlyn’s gentle treatment of her, as though she’s something precious. No one’s treated her that way before, and certainly not for the last 6-7 years in prison. It’s new, but Vi is so very lonely, so guilt-ridden, and so touch-starved that Caitlyn’s tender care goes right for her heart—but she isn’t ready yet to follow those feelings. She instead hangs back to see what else Caitlyn will do.
But Caitlyn’s protective care and her obvious attraction to Vi rapidly change how Vi sees her options; her life isn’t just about Powder anymore, it’s also about what Vi wants for herself.
That’s a big conflict—she doesn’t love herself, so how can she want something for herself? She doesn’t think she has worth and value beyond protector and fixer, but there’s Caitlyn again, showing her something else, showing her she has value and that she’s worthy of love and gentleness.
Caitlyn is the first person to ever relieve Vi of her burdens. Caitlyn is the first person to tell Vi “what happened [to her] wasn’t your fault”. No one has ever told Vi something wasn’t her fault.
When she’s with Caitlyn in Caitlyn’s bed, this is the first time Vi feels relief, and it’s the first time Vi unburdens herself because Caitlyn created a safe place to do so. Interestingly, Caitlyn is doing precisely what Vi says to Ambessa about building trust: tell the truth, be patient, shut up. Caitlyn first tells Vi the truth: what happened to Power isn’t her fault. Caitlyn then patiently waits for Vi to start talking, finally unburdening herself of her most painful memory, which is leaving Powder. And Caitlyn stays silent, doesn’t interrupt, just lets Vi talk and get it out, and then offers a gentle touch in understanding and reassurance instead of talking.
Vi has never been able to relieve herself of the burden of that night at the abandoned factory. Getting so angry at Powder, which she thinks she shouldn’t have allowed herself to feel, then hitting Powder, then walking away to cool off, leaving Powder to be taken by Silco—it’s Vi’s biggest, most painful memory, and she shares it with Caitlyn, sharing her burden with someone who has the ability to hold it for her. (There is a key change in season 2 regarding Caitlyn’s arc, as she no longer has the stability to be there for Vi emotionally once her world is thrown into chaos, but that’s a different post.)
This tender moment between Caitlyn and Vi is crucial for Vi to start to understand she is worth something. That she can be cared for, listened to, that she is worthy of soft touch and goodness. That’s further cemented when Caitlyn goes toe-to-toe with Piltover’s council, the essential Powers That Be, to tell them to their faces how they failed Vi. Caitlyn introduces Vi as someone equal to them—she pulls Vi up to stand NEXT TO HER. Caitlyn looks at Vi like Vi is important and precious. Caitlyn tells the council that Vi is brave and good and has risked so much just to help them when they’ve never done anything for her.
No one has ever fought for Vi before. No one has ever cared for Vi like this. It’s here that we see Caitlyn is a knight in shining armour and Vi is a trapped damsel in need (don’t conflate this with thinking that Vi isn’t strong; Vi is strength itself, but she is TRAPPED and can’t see a way out because she doesn’t love herself!)
She’s being sarcastic but there’s truth in here
Caitlyn’s knight-to-king arc has yet to culminate, as she has to slay her dragon first (again, this is another post), but Caitlyn WANTS to build a kingdom for Vi where Vi can be safe and loved. Caitlyn wants to be a king who gives Vi a kingdom and says, “here, look what I can give you, look how I can support you.”
Again, Caitlyn’s protection and care is building feelings up in Vi, not just in terms of romantic longing for Caitlyn, but feelings that she is worth fighting for in the first place. Caitlyn makes her feel SEEN and HEARD, that she’s not just trencher trash or an ex-con or “less than”. Here’s Caitlyn, in front of Piltover’s council and Caitlyn’s own mother, treating her like they’re equals.
It’s thrown into chaos when the council behaves exactly the way Vi expects—treats her like she’s dog shit on their doorstep. It guts Vi. For a second she thought she was worthy of love, but it disappears at the first sign of trouble, and she thinks she’s not worthy after all because those lessons of her early life just come roaring back into her head. It’s what she tells Vander on the bridge, that she KNOWS “I’m less than them.”
She leaves Caitlyn before Caitlyn can leave her. It’s much easier that way because she doesn’t think she’s worthy enough of Caitlyn’s love in the first place. It was as though she’d been in a dream and reality just clapped back and she’s thinking in the same old terms again.
Season 2:
It’s after Caitlyn’s mother dies at the hands of Jinx that Vi is really tested in how she thinks of herself. We can see in Act I of season 2 that she doesn’t think much of herself at all. She hangs around at a distance, mournful, guilty, gutted for Caitlyn’s loss, which she knows well, and feeling completely responsible for it. She doesn’t feel worthy enough to get close to Caitlyn until Caitlyn forces the issue, who is clearly longing for Vi to be comforting/romantic with her.
Anticipating Caitlyn’s fall; not anticipating Caitlyn to cling to her.
The hug scene when Caitlyn breaks down is telling: Vi is surprised at first that Caitlyn would want to be so close to her like that, and even though the tender feelings come out in full force in Vi after that, she holds back out of fear that Caitlyn can never truly love her because Vi doesn’t think she’s anything to love, and especially not now with Jinx having caused so much anguish for Caitlyn.
This just means that Vi compromises herself in the name of trying to fix Caitlyn’s problems. She takes on Caitlyn’s burdens the way she kept trying to take on Powder’s/Jinx’s. She’s trying to fix it all, trying to be Caitlyn’s protector, trying to fight for the right reasons. She’s convincing herself she can see Jinx killed, and she’s convincing herself that taking an Enforcer badge is a fair price to pay for what Jinx has done—that this is the only way Vi can both keep Caitlyn safe and stop Jinx.
But Vi is relying on Caitlyn to make her feel that sense of worthiness. Caitlyn can’t at that time. When Caitlyn lashes out at her and walks away, Vi is now left with the same problem, the same pain that she feels she is unworthy and unlovable; her only value was in protecting her loved ones and she failed on both sides—Jinx and Caitlyn are both hurt and gone—and now Vi is alone.
Vi’s put her self-worth in Caitlyn’s hands.
Vi doesn’t realize she can choose herself instead of trying to choose Caitlyn or Jinx, instead of trying to make everyone happy. It’s unfair and immature for Caitlyn and Jinx to even ask Vi to choose a side, but that’s the journey they go on in season 2; Vi’s journey is to choose herself. To love herself.
This ends up with her fighting in the Pit, drinking heavily, losing her identity, losing herself to her worst impulses. She has the need to cover up the defining things about herself: Her cheek tattoo, part of her back tattoo, her hair colour. She feels she has nothing to do anymore with no one to protect. Since she doesn’t think she’s worthy of protecting or loving, she doesn’t keep herself safe at all. She drinks too much, fights too hard, and doesn’t care whether she’s winning or losing as long as she’s numbing out.
Vi’s lesson here is that she can’t pin her identity on how other people perceive her. She can’t only understand herself through her relationships with others. She has to choose who she is on her own, and she has to have a relationship with herself fist and foremost—otherwise, no matter how much Caitlyn loves her, at the first instance of Caitlyn needing space or going through something, Vi will break and see it as rejection. That’s not healthy. Or fair. Vi has to choose herself, but she doesn’t know how, no one ever taught her that, and her big, loving heart doesn’t even consider that she should love herself first. Vi just wants to selflessly flay herself open on the altar of her loved ones.
But it’s not her job to do this, and she can’t save anyone from themselves. She can only save herself.
But how? She has to heal. It’s the only way. Healing begins when she meets back up with Jinx and sees Jinx with Isha—it’s reckoning moment for Vi, seeing that Jinx is grown up, Jinx isn’t Powder anymore who needs her; Jinx is a big sister all on her own now. Again, Vi’s identity as protector-fixer-of-things disappears in the face of this; so who is she now? Who can she be to Jinx now? Well, still a sister, as the sisterly brawl showcases, along with pent up rage from them both, but it’s still tinged with love. It’s when Jinx says, “besides, he’s your father too” that Vi realizes she still has family.
Once Vander comes back, Vi actually starts to heal inside. She actually starts to feel worthy of love—she needed her dad to hug her and relieve her of this burden she’s been carrying since she was 17.
The thing is, emotionally speaking, Vi’s been trapped as that 17-year-old who took her family Topside for a job, but the place blew up, and this led to watching Benzo get killed and Vander taken away by Silco, which led to her telling Powder she couldn’t come along to rescue Vander, then botched the rescue because she was too eager to pay attention to the signs, and then lost her brothers and Vander because of Powder’s impulsive nature…and then lost Powder. It’s just really important to understand that Vi has been trapped in that sequence of events this whole time.
It’s when Vander is able to hug her and she can hug both him AND Jinx as family again that pieces of Vi’s soul finally slot back into place, and she can start to forgive herself and love herself.
In Viktor’s compound, Vi has a few defining moments:
- She drops the gauntlets, representing her choosing to no longer fight. When she stops fighting, things get better for her.
- She eats actual food instead of drinking alcohol all day (we see you, Vi).
- She asks Jinx for her opinion as an equal instead of playing protective-big-sis-fixer-of-all-things.
- She remembers her mother.
- She doesn’t think about Caitlyn at all.
We actually see Vi remembering her mother. The memory sequence begins with Vander but it blends into her memories, a sign of how deeply entwined she is with Vander, and how HIS healing is HER healing too. Viktor might be healing Vander with his magic-y shit, but so too is Vi being healed.
When Vi remembers her mother, she’s at the same place she’d been with Caitlyn in season 1, that large support beam with her name and Powder’s name scrawled on it, recording their heights, only this time we get to SEE Vi’s memory of that, of her mother, and how happy her home was. Vi came from loving parents and a warm, loving home. She remembers cooking with Mom. She remembers boxing with Vander. She remembers Mom and Dad coming home from work. She remembers Mom playing with her and Powder and recording their heights as they grew. These are some of the happiest memories Vi has, and she’s actually remembering them here, she’s bringing them up from her past and letting them out. She wipes away tears before she asks Jinx if Jinx remembers their mom, and they both have the same visceral memory, and it further cements to Vi that she has her family back, that she IS loved, that she IS worthy of love. This is why she says to Jinx, “what if we stayed here and helped out?”
She’s ready and willing to move into a future now. A future with her family. As stated above, it’s notable that she hasn’t thought about Caitlyn ONCE since Jinx came back into her life. Vi is HEALING at last, integrating her past and looking ahead into a future, not dwelling on how she thinks she failed Caitlyn and feels she isn’t worthy of Caitlyn’s love.
It’s no accident that THIS is the moment she comes back into Caitlyn’s orbit. It’s the right time for this. She can be around Caitlyn now and not crumble under guilt or the need to fix Caitlyn’s problems either. She’s healing, and in doing so, has integrated the pain Caitlyn caused by walking away in such a cruel manner. Vi forgives Caitlyn, though doesn’t completely trust her yet, but she leaves the door open for reconciliation by using the endearment “Cupcake”, which she knows Caitlyn will understand the intimacy of and the leaves Caitlyn’s reaction up to her.
And of course, Caitlyn stops at nothing to help Vi. Caitlyn, again, treats Vi as though Vi is worthy of protecting and helping, and most notably here, worthy of starting a war over.
Let it be known to the universe and beyond: Caitlyn Kiramman will stop at nothing to keep Vi safe. Consider yourselves warned.
But Vi has one last hurdle to overcome. What does she do about Jinx and Caitlyn being on deadly opposing sides? She loves them both. But she must choose—or she thinks.
The answer is, of course, that Vi chooses neither; she chooses herself at last. She finally understands that she doesn’t have to fear choosing the wrong side and therefore lose everything. She simply chooses herself.
It’s worth talking about how Jinx and Caitlyn have undergone their own journeys here and have realized that there’s no asking Vi to choose between them. They both drop their shit, except Caitlyn drops her revenge against Jinx by leaving the door open—literally, she opens the cell—and Jinx drops her shit by closing the door—literally, she closes the cell and locks it. Jinx is saying, “be with her, forget me” but Caitlyn says, “be with her, but I’m here for you no matter what.”
So Vi chooses HERSELF in an act of self-love by letting herself finally fall in love with Caitlyn, and this results in explosive, passionate love making that’s every bit as joyful as it’s intimate.
Vi’s letting herself be loved as much as she’s loving.
Vi has finally freed herself of the chokehold of her past, realizing that SHE decides she’s worthy of love, that SHE decides she’s worthy of being protected. She lets herself express all her needs and feelings and desires in ways she’s never let herself do before that moment. Caitlyn, again, creates a safe place for Vi to do this by treating her with gentleness and kindness and warmth, and Vi unburdens herself of her past and chooses love.
Ending
By the end of season 2, Vi has grown into a self-assured woman able to see herself as worthy, as equal to Caitlyn, as a person who is not responsible for everyone else around her but that she is responsible for herself, and that makes her an even stronger protector, an even stronger fighter, an even better sister, and a lover who can meet her girlfriend step for step. While Vi’s future is undecided and wide open for her, she makes a conscious choice to commit to Caitlyn and stick by her no matter what happens. Vi knows she doesn’t have to fight to survive anymore—she can finally ask herself what she wants and finally explore the answers to that without feeling unworthy.
In her final scene, she’s humming, thinking about her mom. She’s grieving now, able to bury her dead, able to finally say her goodbyes, and when Caitlyn sits with her, Vi doesn’t feel the need to look away, create distance, or close up—Vi relaxes and smiles in peace because SHE knows she’s worthy. Vi loves herself at long last.
*
I have another thing in the works dealing with Caitlyn’s arc as well, as her journey keeps being so misunderstood, but I’m all up in my Vi-feels and had to get this out. <3