Grillos v. Claussen

Let me start this by establishing my credentials. I am a pickle FIEND. I once survived a whole week eating only pickles. I sweat and pissed pickles.

Above all else, I am a poor pickle lover and I’ve been eating generic brands, Vlasic, and Mt. Olive my whole life. Recently, I’ve decided that I’m worth it and to spend a little extra money to try new brands. Enter Grillos. I’ll never forget trying them the first time, I ate the entire thing in one sitting. I thought I had reached nirvana. I swear I spoke to Jesus after that first delicious crunch. They’re crunchy, garlicky, vinegary. They were so vinegary, they practically grew hands and slapped me across the face. I told every person in my life about them. I’ve been eating them for a while now and trying all the different kinds.

I then joined this sub and saw a post about Grillos. I was elated, I couldn’t wait to see people sing their praises. Instead, some people were commenting “I like Claussen WAY better” “I prefer Claussen”. I was SHOOK. You mean I haven’t reached the top of the mountain yet?! I IMMEDIATELY went to Meijer and bought a jar. I’ll never forget how excited I was, I couldn’t wait to reach the summit. I remember opening the jar, tears streaming down my face, and biting into the CHEWIEST pickle. Puzzled, I then sipped the juice. These were on par with generic pickles. Where was the umph? Where was the religious experience? You’re telling me that people would LIE? On the Internet?! People lie on the internet?!? I still ate the whole jar because why would I let any pickles go to waste. I found that some of the pickles were semi crunchy and the rest were floppy and chewy.

Anyways. I’d like compensation from the internet for this disappointment. I take PayPal or Venmo.

I also would still like recommendations on pickle brands better than Grillos and if they meet my Queenly standards, I will trust this subs taste again.