How do you handle the baby pangs?

Anyone in peri and having mixed feelings about no longer being fertile?

I’m 45. Single mom to two. One is an adult, still living at home, getting through his teen years was difficult. Other kid is almost 18, chronically ill, probably not leaving home any time soon.

The decision to stop at 2 was largely because my mental health was so bad after the second kid. The PPD was so bad, I should have been hospitalized. My ex partner basically ignored it. Luckily we all made it out alive.

I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man that I want to marry. He has two kids from a previous marriage, one entering high school and one is 10. He’s a wonderful father and if I were ten years younger, I’d definitely try to conceive with him.

I’m still cycling normally, but have massive fatigue, joint and muscle pains, migraines and weight gain and the mood swings are killer.

I don’t even know if I could get pregnant now without help, and we have plans to travel and go to concerts and the freedom to do things like stay in bed half the day on a Saturday or sneak a quickie before dinner. So I can’t imagine actually starting over with breastfeeding and potty training and strollers and school and homework and play dates. But I sniffle a little every time my period comes.

Am I crazy? I decided to be done having babies 15 years ago. But now that it’s less of a choice and more my body taking my fertility, permanently, it’s giving me conflicting feelings. Anyone else?

Edited to add: I already have an infant grandchild and we have a lot of animals. And I’m helping to care for my dying dad, while working full time and struggling with non-hormonal health issues. But I feel so cheated. Spent too many years married to the wrong person, and missed the chance to have a baby with the love of my life. We’re going on a rock climbing trip next month, and I wouldn’t be able to do that pregnant or with a baby. I just did not expect it to hurt so much.