RANTTTT LIFE

I’m 16 years old and preparing for the JEE exam. My 11th grade didn’t go as planned, and now I’m working hard to get back on track. I consider myself a "dummy student" because I don’t go to school and use fake attendance, which has made it harder to keep up with my studies. However, I’m fairly good at studies and have a deep love for science. My grandparents encouraged me to prepare for the JEE, primarily because my mama is an IITian, and they want me to follow in his footsteps. While I appreciate their push, their approach is often toxic. I live with my mother and maternal grandparents in Delhi. My grandparents, while showing love and care as long as I’m focused on my studies, are also abusive and toxic. They often tell me and my mother to leave the house when we disagree with them, and their verbal abuse escalates if we don’t follow their terms. I’ve tried standing up to them or voicing my opinions, but it always ends in more arguments, with them telling us to leave or that they don’t care about our concerns.

My parents separated when I was born, and I was the result of an unhealthy arranged marriage. My mother has struggled with severe anxiety but refuses to acknowledge it or take medication. Once, she even called the cops because she thought our neighbors were spying on her. Thankfully, my grandparents and I handled the situation privately without anyone else knowing. I try to support her with her anxiety, but she often ignores my advice and becomes upset, even shouting at me. She’s also become obsessed with a sound coming from a door in the house and insists it needs to be replaced, though it’s barely noticeable. I’ve tried to help, but when I disagree with my grandparents about replacing the door, they refuse, telling me I should leave if I don’t agree with them.

When I reasonably ask my family for study-related things, like a MacBook for my preparation, they provide it. However, my grandparents are very tight with money and abusive about it. They’re reluctant to spend on anything outside of basic needs, and I often feel guilty for even asking for study resources, even though they’ve been willing to give it to me when I explain my need.

My mama, who lives in Bengaluru, shows me affection and acts with kindness, but I can’t shake the feeling that his intentions may not be completely pure. His actions are always supportive, but sometimes I get the sense that there’s an underlying motive. He’s told me several times to go abroad, get a job, and never look back. I worry that he might use my voice recordings or our conversations in court, especially if it involves property matters or family disputes.

The constant chaos in my home, between the tension with my grandparents and my mother's struggles, is taking a toll on my mental health and focus. I want to do well for my JEE preparation and eventually escape this toxic environment. How do I manage this ongoing family drama while maintaining my peace of mind and staying on track with my studies? It’s a constant battle between focusing on my goals and navigating the toxicity around me, and I’m struggling to keep everything in balance.