just a small vent
im writing here cause i have no one to share with rn.. not a single friend and below reason pata chal jayega. so basically i was never good at science i was more into history. dad wanted my elder brother to become a doctor and me a lawyer which i thought i will be. buthef gave up on neet and i heard my dad taking out my brother's old neet books saying "ye alice k liye kaam ayega.. she'll give neet" my heart broke i fought alot with my parents i was just in class 9, i accepted my fate. i was in ICSE, i told my parents mujhse itna pressure nhi hoga im a pussy ISC aur NEET nhi hoga.. please at least CBSE school mein admission karvake ek acche se coaching me daldo. it's not like i got less marks in board i got 96%.. but nhi maane, my ISC books were huge like shits i didn'tunderstands anything, i didn't know about NCERT my parents my brother no one told me.. i kept on studying ISC books, i lost full interest in studying cause i literally didn't understand shit. due to some family issues which isn't related to study matter i tried to commit suicide by popping my Escitalopram 30 tabs.. i ended up in hospital, i realized my mistake i wanted to do better for my parents but ofc i had very less time i didn't score good.. i was a pussy i agree but my friends took drop too so i had hope, we worked real hard but fate had other plans.. my mama came overaround dec at our home, basically shifted at our place saying his cancer came back.. my mama, who's literallylike my brother figure, the man i adore the most after my dad. i saw him going througg chemos getting skinnylcoughing blood with tubes inserted in his stomach for food (he couldn't eat orally). before he passed away he used to look at doctors and tell them "do you know my niece is also gonna become a doctor im really proud od her ik she'll get here". sadly he passed away just 2 weeks before NEET 2024. i was devastated i didn't know how to cry how to smile. i knew mujhe college nhi milega bcs of the rank stuff going on but my dad and cousin tried their best. all my friends wenttto private mbbs cause paise hai and i belong from middle class we can't afford 1 crore so socha bds karte hai.. i still remember i spent aug-nov crying everyday for my mama and my college and the shame and guilt of not studying well.. finally mereko mil gaya tha delhi mein.. we paid and everything, i even shifted to hostel.. bought everything from mattress to cords ans what not but last mein for some reason rejected me i was confused devastated and shocked. the thoughts of my mama's words my grandma's words circled up my headaas i flew back from delhi to my state.. i looked at my parents knowing i failed them.. this is my last attempt and i started prepping from dec. i still look at my parents knowing i don't deserve their love, it's currently 2 am ican'te sleep.ii misseeveryone and about my friends... theystill think im at delhi studying bds..i don't deserve my parents they did so much for me i can't even crack this exam. all my cousins are doctors and im here a fucking failure whodoesn't have any interest in medical.. nor can i crackiit.. i don't even know what i wanna become anymore what my dream is... what i am who i am? all ik is that im living for my parents for their dream..ii have no hope im useless and i wish.. i just wish i died in my mother's womb