My Wife Has Zero Tolerance for Anything Patriarchal, and It’s Destroying My Peace
I’m struggling with my marriage and need advice. My wife (F31) and I(M31) are from India but currently live in the U.S. I’m stuck between my responsibilities as a husband and as a son, and it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting. The constant arguments with my wife and the hurt feelings from my parents have left me drained and unsure how to handle this.
Here’s the situation:
- Background
We had a court marriage in the U.S. because my wife was worried about potential H1B visa issues. My parents wanted a traditional wedding in India, but they reluctantly agreed to our decision. While it caused some tension, I thought things would settle after the visa concerns were addressed.
- The Visit to India
After our marriage, we visited my parents in India for a week. They had some expectations, like dressing a bit more traditionally (e.g., wearing a bindi, avoiding casual pajamas when guests were around), helping with minor household chores, and engaging socially with relatives. These expectations were only for the duration of our visit, not something they imposed on her life in the U.S.
My wife found this deeply patriarchal and refused to comply. She argued that no such expectations were placed on me and that it was unfair to her. She got very upset with me for not intervening, and at night, she told me she hated me for not standing up for her. She also said she’d never visit my parents again.
- The Ceremonial Wedding Debate
After the court marriage, my parents and I thought about having a ceremonial wedding in India to celebrate with family. However, my wife refused to agree to even the smallest traditions. She said every part of the ceremony was patriarchal and against her principles. For example, she refused to wear a saree for a few days while guests were around or put a simple ghunghat (just draping the pallu over her hair, not covering her face). These weren’t major demands, but she rejected them outright, saying it was inconvenient and perpetuated patriarchy.
- Constant Arguments and Inflexibility
Zero Tolerance for Anything Patriarchal: My wife has no tolerance for anything she considers patriarchal—even minor gestures for the sake of harmony. I agree with her that patriarchy is bad, but is it really necessary to fight every single anti-patriarchal battle, especially when it’s not about oppression but about showing respect or compromise for a few days? She insists that even 1% or 5% of patriarchy is unacceptable and refuses to bend, even for my parents.
Never Ending Battles: She can argue for days, but I can’t. My emotional tolerance for battles is about 15 minutes. She has the stamina to keep fighting endlessly, which leaves me completely drained and unable to focus on my work. I end up apologizing just to stop the conflict, but even then, she doesn’t let it go.
Criticism from My Parents: She has zero tolerance for any scolding or criticism from my parents, even though they would treat me or my sister the same way in similar situations. She sees it as an attack on her and refuses to let it slide. It’s like any comment from them becomes another battle for me to mediate.
- The Fallout
Since we returned to the U.S., things have only gotten worse. She frequently criticizes me for not standing up to my parents and constantly shares posts and reels about how in-laws mistreat daughters-in-law and how husbands should always side with their wives. She has also stopped contributing financially for six months, saying a "typical bahu" scenario is that the husband pays for everything.
Meanwhile, my parents feel disrespected and hurt because she barely talks to them now. I love them and don’t want to alienate them, but I also want to support my wife. I feel like I’m failing everyone.
- Why I’m Writing Here
How do you deal with someone who has zero tolerance for anything patriarchal? While I agree with her that patriarchy is harmful, is it realistic to fight every battle, especially when it’s about small gestures for the sake of harmony? Is there no room for flexibility or compromise?
I’ve tried having calm conversations and setting boundaries, but it always turns into an argument. I can’t win because either I apologize endlessly, or she gets angrier when I try to explain my perspective. I feel emotionally drained, and it’s affecting my ability to focus on work and other responsibilities.
Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? How do you manage a partner who refuses to compromise or see things from a different perspective? Any advice on navigating this or finding a way to bring peace would mean a lot.
Thanks for reading and for any insights you can offer.