M30, Feeling lost and hopeless, considering ending my life

Basically, the title. If you looked at my life in a macro sense, i have nothing to complain about. I have a job that pays above average, i am physically fit and I'm not grotesque looking by any means and parents that love me. But it doesn't change anything. I hate what I am and what I see in the mirror.

I have no self confidence whatsoever. I have done some cool things in my life and accomplished some other things, but nothing gives me any sense of accomplishment. For example, i was the first in my family tree to graduate from a University. Big deal to my friends and family. to me? it just what im supposed to do, so who cares. Another example, Cousin took me hiking down into the grand canyon and back up despite me never hiking before. I did it and it was incredibly hard for me, but when i reached the top. Nothing, i just thought again, its what i was supposed to do otherwise i would have died.

Before i go any into my having no friends or love life, I want to make it very clear, i am NOT blaming other people or society for my struggles. I am fully aware the issue is on me 100%. Anyways... I have no friends whatsoever and despite many attempts to make them or seek them out, i get no results. I have made it a point to dress well, be well groomed and make sure I am presenting myself as well as i possibly can.

Dating is also a struggle for many reasons. One, i have no friends and what woman in her right mind wants a 29-year-old guy with no friends? seems valid to me. Two, I have a very hard time interacting with women, they kind of scare me. I have no idea how to flirt. I have been told by some of them that i am funny but i can never escalate past being the "funny guy". Third, intimacy is an issue for me. I was sexually abused by my grandfather as a child and being intimate with women is always a difficult experience. Most times, its okay, but a lot of times i will get random flashbacks that kind of kill my mood randomly in the middle of it and then they get mad/disappointed and then i just get even more angry at myself for being broken.

With all that being said, why am i thinking about ending my life? because im just tired of it all. Im tired of doing all these things to better myself only to fail at the things i really want, which is friends and a loving relationship. I have no idea where to start. I don't know what i want in life. I have consumed so much self-help content there is a chance there is nothing any of you can say that i haven't either been told or attempted already. I am posting here because Dr. K's advice seems to hit my demographic more than the JP's of the world.

The messed up thing is. because i dont know what i want out of life, i dont know how i can pull myself out of this depression. how does one even go about finding what they want? and isnt it pretty pathetic i dont know even after 29 years of being alive?

At the end of it all, im hoping some of you here can somewhat relate to my situation and give me some guidance. Suicide is a very final thing, i know this and i want to try as much as i can before i do anything final.

Thank you to anybody who reads this, i appreciate it. Im accepting of any advice/criticism/tough love and if anybody is in a similar situation to me, I am sorry and sympathize with you completely.