Masculine Guy Feeling Trapped

I’m not going to go into any of my other struggles with this because I just want to ask for help because I don’t know where to start.

I’m not sure if this is gender dysphoria or just grass is greener on the other side mentality, but I feel kind of trapped in my body.

Growing up I always was torn between wanting to look more feminine and wanting to look more masculine, but the push from everyone was to look more masculine.

I remember how upset I was when I found out I was going to grow body hair, and a beard, and build muscle, and become masculine.

I had a constant struggle between wanting to be more femme until the pressure got to be too much and then I would eat more to gain weight and muscle and look more masculine. Then I would hate what I would see so I would eat as little as I could to slim down and lose muscle. But then I would feel the pressure to look more masculine. And it was a back and forth cycle.

At this point I’ve realized I don’t have the support from family, and I don’t have the natural body to be able to transition, so I’m just trying to come to terms with this and make do with my body.

I want to feminize more, but I’m a 6’0”, thick built, deep voiced, hairy, guy.

I’ve been growing out my hair for 2.5 years in a bid to take at least somewhat control over my appearance, but I’m not quite sure how to proceed. I could start certain feminization things and did in the past, but my internal bias/self homophobia/self hate would kick in and cause me to rebound the other way. I know I need therapy, but I am just a bit lost and feeling trapped.

I would start with shaving my body hair, but my partner loved my hair, and I feel like she wants a more masculine bf. She says she would accept me however I am and support me if I was more femme or wanted to transition, but I don’t want to take the man she wants away from her.

Some days I look in the mirror and I just want to cry. Because I don’t feel lik how I look. And when I see myself it doesn’t match who I think I am. Some days I just think about how much easier life would have been if I had been born the right gender. Which may sound insane, but from a young age I honestly though I was a girl. Always liked the girly stuff but was punished for it or shamed for it. So I stopped.

And I’ve never really been able to come to terms with it. I’ve come to terms with my sexuality. I am bi/pan, but the rest I’m still trying to figure out.

Has anyone here had a similar experience to me who has been able to find some peace with their more masculine body?