I'm jealous of those who heal...

I know I shouldn't be jealous, but it makes me angry to read how people heal, how they do the same therapy which I do, and have emotional release, shaking , integration etc. Etc. And I don't! It's like wtf is wrong with me, I do somatic experiencing since more then 1 year, I do ifs , I did 10 plus years mindfulness which completely destroyed me... I read 20 books on trauma I watched 100 of hours on YouTube. Nothing makes me feel better ! Am I totally damaged? Am I never be able to heal... It's like im doing something wrong. But I know I don't I am in my 40... how long will I suffer and living in hell? Or just accept that I never be better... Idk but I am jealous of people who get better and can laugh and enjoy life... Sorry , if I offend someone I just need to vent