I (25F) found my husbands (28M) secret phone.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Alternative-Rest3831, account now deleted.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (25F) found my husbands (28M) secret phone.

Trigger Warnings: possible infidelity, emotional manipulation, gaslighting

Original Post: January 24, 2025

I am looking for some advice on whether or not I should confront my husband about a phone I have found in my apartment.

So let’s start with the backstory I have been with my husband for five years and married for three out of those years. Recently I thought I was going mad because I could hear a phone vibrating like a notification was being received.

I spoke to my husband about it and brought it up when I could hear it and we were in the same room. He said he couldn’t hear anything and that it could be one of the other apartments around us, we do have thin walls.

I let the matter drop until a few days ago when I could hear something ringing and vibrating almost non stop. So I went hunting around for this phone thinking it could be possibly an old phone that had been left on or it was really another flat. As I was looking it began ringing and it was coming from my husband’s nightstand.

I opened the drawer and the sound got louder and I reached in and found a phone. It showed on the screen several missed calls and notifications from various apps. I couldn’t unlock it and decided against trying to get into it further. I put it back and tried to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and that there must be a simple explanation for this.

But I can’t think of a reason to have a secret phone unless something is not right. He doesn’t have a work phone and my husband is in the habit of selling old phones so I don’t think it’s that.

What would you do in my situation? Also is there anything I could do to find out what is on this phone?

I want to talk to him about it but I am scared of his reaction and what might happen after. I am also using a friends account to get some opinions as my husband loves Reddit.

Since posting I went to try and look for the phone but it has been moved.

A little Update: I found the phone, I emptied my bin and it was underneath the bin bag , but its screen is smashed and I can’t even turn it on and the SIM card is missing. I guess I’m never finding out what was on it. Thank you for all the advice.

My husband got home from work and I asked about the phone, he said it was a friend’s phone, that he accidentally broke. When I asked what friend it took him a minute to answer, kind of feel like he just made up a name. He has had this phone for months if it was a friend’s he would have returned it!!

I told him to find a way to show me that I can trust him and this phone is what he says or we can get a divorce. He stormed out and I’ve told him I don’t want to talk about this until he is going to be honest.

Just another small update was thinking about another post but not enough to put there- I took it to a phone place I know and they are retrieving what’s left on it. Husband hasn’t been back but is non stop calling and texting 🙄

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I mean, what apps were the notifications from?

More importantly: you already gave him the benefit of the doubt when you brought up the noise and he pretended not to know what it could be and suggested that it must be from another apartment.

If this phone was nbd, that was his opportunity to say "Oh, that's probably my other phone that I'm using for X purpose." That he didn't means he's hiding it from you (poorly) for some reason. He doesn't get the benefit of the doubt, now.

He's being sketchy, and he lied to you.

Now he needs to explain himself. There is a simple explanation, and that simple explanation is that he's being sketchy with you because he's cheating. If he has a different explanation, he needs to provide it.

OOP: Instagram and WhatsApp mostly but there were so many notifications the screen didn’t show them all

Commenter 2: Do you really want to deal with a gambling addiction. It's just as bad as cheating in some ways.

He's lying and being sneaky. Surely that's enough to consider your relationship

OOP: I’m considering my relationship but I wouldn’t leave him if it was an addiction issue I’d want him to get help and deal with our relationship after

Commenter 3: Gambling or sports betting apps would be sending notifications to the phone for sure. I know you said you couldn’t see all of them, but considering the two that you did see was Instagram and WhatsApp… I’m going to guess that it’s probably some type of cheating or infidelity going on. And in some states you can’t even gamble or do sports betting. Are you in a state that’s legal? If you’re not then you could cross that off your list.

OOP: I live in England it’s legal to gamble here on apps

Commenter 4: Is there a camera in the room and he saw you found the phone? Maybe you need to set up a camera yourself

OOP: There’s no cameras anywhere. He must know I found it hence him destroying it

Update: January 26, 2025

Update : I (25F) found my husbands (28M) phone

This is the part one of this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/oU3E0NSvN6

So carrying on from my last post. Once I found the phone I took it to a place I know to have it searched, it won’t be back for a few days.

However more problems have occurred. My husband left our apartment two days ago and I have been receiving loads of messages and calls. He has been saying he just needs a chance to explain and that it isn’t what it looks like. But how can it be anything else but what it appears to be?

I have told him he needs to give me space, he is refusing to accept this and even went so far to go up to my daughter while she was out with her dad. She’s isn’t my husband’s child. He tried to get her to tell him what was going on and what I was doing. My daughter’s father told me how uncomfortable she felt and that she shouldn’t be involved in this issue we are having and I assured him she isn’t.

While I was fuming at my husband I decided to rage clean and guess what I found. Two more phones, receipts for jewellery and a few credit cards I had no idea existed. My husband and I have separate finances which I prefer but we regularly updated each other about debts and other payments we were making. This was mainly due to us wanting to buy a house together at some point.

So these lies go deeper than I originally thought, I have spoken to my friends and family and asked if they knew anything about this but they didn’t.

I have sent pictures of everything to my husband demanding an explanation. He said he’ll explain if I let him come over so we can do this face to face and that he loves me and wants this to work. I am hesitating. I said I’d meet him with the condition that someone else was present that I trust.

He kicked off and said I was his wife and he should be able to see me when he wants. I said he lost that right when he cheated on me, and this man full on said “yeah but it was only once”. I have not spoken to him since.

Now I need help, how do I proceed from here and keep things amicable?

I still love him but I’m keeping my distance and have no plan to meet him face to face as I am weak and I know if I see him I’ll probably stay with him.

I know this may seem strange but it is my life and there are so many emotions going on for me right now.

Edit: this has been bugging me because I got a nasty comment saying I need to stop dating men as I have two failed marriages and I’m hurting my daughter.

So point one you know nothing about me and if you did you would know, my husband is my first marriage and believe me I wouldn’t have married him if I thought he was a threat to my daughter.

Point two - my daughter’s dad and I never dated, we had a one night stand when we were younger and we had our daughter. Always co parented, I didn’t want to be in a relationship while I had a young child to look after. He has always been understanding and a great dad to her.

Sorry for the rant I’ve been getting messages about how I am not a good mother and I need to stop with the men so thought I’d say my bit.

Additional Information from OOP regarding the account

Commenter: Two months ago you was 26f married to 30m with two sons 3&2.

Today you 25 married to a 28 with a daughter from a previous relationship…

It’s not adding up 🫤

OOP: Sorry for the confusion I’m using my friends account

Relevant Comments

Is OOP's husband tracking down her daughter and how was he able to go up to her?

OOP: My daughter doesn’t have a phone and she was out with her dad and he just went over and spoke to her. My husband and ex haven’t had any problems until now.

+

I live in a small village if you walk down the main street your more than likely to find who your looking for

+

I have a restraining order for my husband against my daughter

Commenter 2: Also protect yourself every way you can. Get cameras at your house, change the locks (if you can legally), be prepared to go to the police if he continues to harass you/your daughter.

No matter what, do not meet this man alone. If you want to meet him and have him "explain" then do it somewhere public, take someone with you and let others know you're meeting him.

OOP: I have already changed the locks and working on a get out plan.

Commenter 3: Good. Stay strong and get that trash out of your life. I might just let police know what's going on too in case you need to file a restraining order, unless that has already been done. Good luck

OOP: I have a restraining order for my husband against my daughter

Commenter 4: Luckily you found out now before you bought a house with him. Take him for all he's worth and then buy a house on your own if you have enough.

OOP: I’m glad I kept my inheritance separate to his finances 🙈

Editor's note: marking this as inconclusive as the account has been deleted and we won't know any further updates

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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