My boss hinted me to sleep with her
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/baterymad posting in r/TrueOffMyChest
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 28th October 2024
Update - 5th November 2024
My boss hinted me to sleep with her
And I (31) still dont know how to feel, how it happened, and why she want this. She is 47, married, and I've been working with her for 3 years, and until last week, our relationship was very good, but strictly professional. The most that had happened between us is a kiss on the cheek when she greet me in the morning, as she do with almost everyone.
She and I spend a lot of time together, as over time, she made me her rigth hand, taking me to meetings and meals very often, sometimes just us.
I've meet her husband (51), and we get along very well. For what I've seen, they have a good life and a great marriage. And I can understand where this came from.
She asked me to have lunch with her, as we always do, but this time she kept looking at me, asking about intimate details about me, all ending in her saying she always been interested on me, at first considering me kind and cute, like a puppy she was taking care of, but over time she started to look at me as a man, she had feel this atraction as we spent time together and now wanted to go deeper into this.
I've always seen her as a mentor and a friend, nothing more. I owe her so much, she helped me to get this job, teached me a lot, always giving me advice and I'm very grateful to her. And because all this, I'm afraid of any answer I could give to her. If I say no, I'm not sure if our relationship will become bitter, she could resent me or things could become uncomfortable, and I'm not comfortable with cheating, I can't say yes, even after she told me she had already solve it and wouldnt be a problem.
She told me she would give me time to think about it, and since then, she kept beheaving as always, but it just feels so different now.
(Sorry if I had any mistake writing this, English is not my first language)
Comments
Lemonbear63
Don’t shit where you eat. It’s going to end badly.
rudedog4
I second that. If you haven't already, brush up your resume and find a new job.
Knife-yWife-y
Email or text message her about it so you have physical evidence. Ask something like, "Did you really mean what you said at lunch?" Once she reiterates that she would like a romantic a relationship with her, politely decline, emphasizing that it would be unprofessional, and you want to maintain the excellent working relationship you have worked hard to build with her. No matter what she says to convince you, stick to your initial answer, "No, thank you. I am not interested in anything but a professional relationship with you."
If she tries to punish you in any way,use the emails/text messages to prove what is actually going on.
OOP: I'll do this, just in case
Dangerous_Warthog603
I also think you can add how a woman cheated on you in the past and it destroyed you emotionally and mentally. And you would never be able to do this to someone else. If she asks questions, you just say that you don't want to relive the trauma by talking about it. It's just a ploy to help her understand that you really can't have a romantic relationship with her. On top of the Mentor she has become.
Good luck. You are in a tough spot.
Update - 8 days later
Reading the comments had help a lot into understanding lots of things. First of all, it was hard to me to even think about being sexually harassed by my boss, I couldnt comprehend I was being a victim because I didnt felt like that, but so many of you pointing it made me realize about it.
After thinking a lot that nigth, I decided to do what most people told me, start collecting evidence about the situation and her behaviour, to have something I can use to protect myself.
Over those firsts days, I had some texts with her, saying what she wanted. But something just felt off, I didnt felt comfortable. I owe so much to this woman, that I couldnt just do this without giving her at least a last chance to come clear about this.
I asked her if we could talk, just the 2 of us. Just in case, I had my phone recording audio. I stayed on her office after job, on her words, it would be the better place to have privacy.
I told her I thought about her offer. She was curious about my answer, but something felt weird.
I decided to be completely honest with her, so I told her that, with all the respect she deserved, I was declining her offer. When she asked why, and if I didnt considered her atractive, I told her that, before all this situation, I only could see her as a mentor and a friend. That I admire, respect and I'm very grateful to her, but I just couldn't. I told her that, the fact she is a married woman, even if she says that shouldnt be a problem, make me too uncomfortable. That I respect her, and myself a lot, to be part on an affair. That, in other circumstances, if she wasnt married, I would be glad to accept her invitation, but for our sake, and the sake of our job relationship, I must say no.
At first, she seemed to be calm. She accepted my answer, and promised me that there would not be any problem between us. But she slowly started to break down, until she was crying a lot. She seemed so hurt, so heartbroken, I didnt knew what to do, except for hugging her tight and trying to calm her.
After she calm down a little, she told me everything. Some weeks ago, she found that her husband was cheating her. It was the 4th time. She told me about their marriage, that for both of them, separation or divorce are not an option, they love each other and the idea of being apart is too much for them (they tried it after the second time he cheated, and both felt miserable). So she ends up forgiving him, giving him another chance, and they live happy, until he cheats again.
She told me that, over the years, he had been the best husband she could ask for, but after the last time, she was so tired of all this, she was about to end things with him, but they talked and decided to give a last chance to their marriage. That's when her husband convinced her to have her own affair. In order to save their marriage, they wanted to open it, thats why she proposed it, it was like a way to make things fair between them.
She explained me that she decided to ask me, as I was the only one she could trust enough to ask for something like that, and she hope that after all we have done together, I could at least think about it without creating a problem or telling anyone. But after I told her I wanted to talk, she started to have lots of doubts and regret to ask me, because she believed I was about to say yes. And after I said no, she was so relief, and immediately felt heartbroken.
She said she loved her husband, and after all, she couldn't do this to him. She felt so guilty for accepting this idea, for accepting all the ideas that would followed after doing it. And the thing that hurt her the most, is that she realized she wasnt able to do this to him, but he had done it more than once to her.
I consoled her for hours. When we were done talking, and left to our homes, it was almost midnight. She thanked me for everything, for consoling her, for the trust, for being a gentleman, and promised me that everything will be fine, and said she was happy I ended up being loyal and a good friend.
After that, the weekend was very quiet. And today, she seemed to be way better. She told me everything is ok, they're talking, and I dont have anything to worry about.
Comments
jbooosh
What an oddly positive turn of events, all things considered.
OOP: Yes, but I still feel bad for her. She had been carrying a lot.
Orsombre
Yes, it is sad. She is fortunate that you are a good person and friend, OP.
Strangerizzleer
She needs therapy + now look at you haha , you’re basically the good guy I love how life sometimes can be fair , you decided to not do it and hearing her saying that she wanted you to decline and now thinks more highly of u is incredible , idk why but I’m happy for u lol , wish you good luck and a happy life , stay strong .
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