I googled my abuser and don’t know how I feel about what I found, has anyone else had something like this happen? *SA TRIGGER WARNING*

I feel super conflicted, and would love to how if any other women have seen people that did them wrong turn their lives around and how that made you feel.

I, a 31 year old woman still happen to have SC on my phone, I don’t use it but I like it for the flashbacks it throws up from almost a decade ago now…

Anyway, a couple of days ago a name flashed across my screen as a friend suggestion on SC , a name I hadn’t thought about in 9 years… It was the man who drugged and date raped me.

I was shell shocked for a second and then decided to google him, see if anything came up, if he was still working as a bouncer in Manchester bars, praying on other young women… Nope, it’s almost worse, he’s apparently working as a jujitsu instructor, now happily settled down, engaged to his long term partner and they have a baby.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happily married, I’m doing significantly better than I ever expected to in every aspect of my life, what he did hasn’t held me back, but it definitely left some deep scars…

I feel so conflicted seeing him a changed man; I’m so thankful he’s no longer abusing and traumatising young girls, but it makes me feel sick when I look at his partners happy smiling face, full of love for a man who she doesn’t actually really know.

He’s handsome, charming, close to his mother. He’s not what you think of when you hear “predator”. The thing that haunts me the most is that I would have willingly sleep with him, I’m almost certain he knew that, he just wanted to take it that extra step to make sure, he chose this.

Now he’s out there, living his life settled down… It makes me wonder how many women are with men they don’t actually know at all and also guilty for being so angry that he got a happily ever after that he didn’t deserve even though I know it’s actually for the best…